Feels like real leather

2007-03-23T21:40:22Z

I realised today, I don't feel entirely dressed without something worn close against my body. Gauzy camisoles, soft cotton vests, things made out of silk and lace, as long as it sits flush against my skin, close against my stomach; making me feel covered and protected, whatever happens.

My mind wanders a lot. I'm so tired lately, it's become a major occupation of mine, just sitting and thinking about things whilst my cat delights in the fact I am sitting still and he can drape himself over me. I keep thinking back to watching that film, in a tiny cramped bedroom, whilst M. glanced round at me every few minutes. Every time something funny happened, or some subtle plot point, he'd look round at me like we were conspirators, the only ones in on the joke. It felt weird - but comfortable too. It's very validating to think you're sharing a secret with someone, even if you're not.

It made me think about how many relationships I underestimate. I never imagine myself to be very important to other people - well, most people - so things like that always surprise me. People who remember my name when we've only met twice, or who mention me to mutual friends. Hey, John was asking after you. Really? I don't expect that from people. If I did, it probably wouldn't be so special. Such is life.

but you've been talking in your sleep about a dream

2007-03-05T23:43:29Z

It's amazing how associations can change.

Less than a minute ago I was drinking a hot cup of chai tea and suddenly it didn't remind me of gloomy student hangouts and improvisational music groups - instead, irresistibly, it made me think of last week, the taste of slightly-burnt milk, and kitchen table quietness. I don't know how okay I should be with this.

I guess it's like me, though, to change something that seemed so indelible. Like the way I seem to become disillusioned with things, and people, sometimes. Things can stay the same for so long, but all it takes is a shift of perspective, to see things with a slight tilt, and suddenly, wham! You can read something totally different out of it. Maybe it's a part of growing up, seeing things differently, more frankly. Maybe everything I see is coated in my expectations and it's only when I stop expecting things from people that I gain a proper understanding of them.

It's like how I learned not to be surprised when people don't treat me the way I treat them. When I meet people who are nicer than I am, do they feel the same way? Is it unfair for everyone?

Ponder, ponder.

Love Rat

Feels like real leather

but you've been talking in your sleep about a dream